Did you know that about 75% of divorce cases are filed by women? When I was a practicing lawyer, I knew that a large majority of the divorce “petitioners” I represented were women, but it wasn’t until I went to work as a mediator for one of the biggest divorce courts in the country that I learned the actual statistics. Over a five-year period, the wife was the petitioner in 76.9% of the divorce cases filed in our court. Since then, I have spoken with attorneys, mediators, and judges around the country who have confirmed that the statistics in their courts are comparable.

Does that mean that wives are unhappier in their marriages than husbands? It’s possible, but I think the real explanation is that if a wife is unhappy she’s more likely to do something about it than an unhappy husband is. She won’t act impulsively---in fact, she’ll probably put up with an intolerable situation for far too long---but once a woman makes up her mind that her marriage is over, it’s over. There’s no turning back.

By contrast, an unhappily-married husband is not likely to seek a divorce unless there’s a new woman in his life, and the new woman is pressing him to get divorced and marry her. When a married man takes up with another woman, he’s usually doing it either to enhance his ego or to escape temporarily from his problems. The last thing he’s looking to do is end his marriage (although, of course, that may well be the result if and when his infidelity is discovered).

The truth is, married men know that, in most aspects of life, they have it pretty damn good. Without a wife, a man would eat poorly, drink too much, live in a dump, have no one to truly confide in, and spend his time and money in an endless pursuit of sex---a pursuit that becomes more expensive, and more futile, with each advancing year. Divorced men tend to die younger than married men, due largely to lifestyle habits, avoidance of preventive medical care, and depression-related causes, including suicide.

As I say, men know this instinctively, which is why most men are not likely to file for divorce.

What does this mean for a woman in a marriage? I think it gives her power. Once a wife understands that her husband fears divorce more than she does, she holds the cards in the marriage. She should be able to insist on at least a minimum standard of communication, of co-operation, of civility. She should be able to stand up for herself in the face of bad behavior. She should be able to calmly but pointedly let it be known that she expects her husband to treat her as she tries to treat him: with attention, affection, and respect.

I’m not necessarily saying that a woman should threaten her husband with divorce in order to keep him in line. For one thing, men tend to react badly to threats. (“Are you threatening me?” is a signal that a conversation is going downhill fast). Beyond that, if a threat proves to be an empty one it quickly loses its power.

Instead of threats, I suggest saying something that gets your point across in a less incendiary way. “I’d hate to see our marriage end over something like this” is not a threat, but it’s pretty hard to ignore. If the response is, “Our marriage end? What are you talking about?”, you now have the perfect opportunity to express your grievances to your husband at a time when you have his full attention.

And if, months later, things still haven’t improved, you might try saying to him, “OK, I’ll leave it up to you.” His response will undoubtedly be, “What do you mean by that?” Your reply should be, “I mean just what I said. I’ve told you many times before what my feelings are about this, and I don’t know how I can say it any better. I’ll leave it up to you whether you want to save our marriage.”

After that, I actually would leave it up to him. If your marital problems are as serious as you’ve been telling your husband they are, and he hasn’t begun working with you to resolve them, I would start thinking about an exit strategy. Divorce is never a pleasant experience, but it’s better than living out your days in anger and resentment.

For most couples, though, divorce shouldn’t be necessary. If a wife can exercise her power wisely, skillfully, and in a timely manner, her husband should get the message. He may even respect her more as a result. And chances are, a little respect is what she was looking for all along.

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