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Getting a handle on difficult relationships is a challenging endeavor. Jill Packard, a close friend, introduced me to  a tool that she found to be helpful in her work as a Life Coach and business owner. It is a tool she has used to help her clients gain control in their lives and relationships.
Too often in relationships, personal and professional, we make false assumptions about why people do what they do or say what they say. We base our assumptions about others motives and intent on our own. This creates misunderstanding and resulting mis-communication can leave everyone feeling misunderstood and powerless.
Most of us have had a boss, at one time or another, who caused us to live in fear or walk on eggshells, feeling like we could never please them. I know I have! Or a friend, who though you love dearly, sometimes talks incessantly, forgetting entirely that you are on the other end of the phone. You may be a person who doesn’t mind listening, but everyone wants to be heard sometime! Then there is your child, the one who is laid back and easy to get along with, but never gets too excited about anything either! It drives you crazy. You just want to light a fire under him.
The people I just described all have different personality “styles”. They have different ways of relating, different needs and different communication styles. A problem will arise in any relationship when needs go unmet.
Understanding how to ask to have your needs met and how to meet the needs of others who are different from you will go a long way in improving communication and putting you back in control of your relationships.
Social science experts have gone to great lengths to study personality styles and have discovered patterns of human behavior. Understanding personality styles is not a solution to deep rooted psychological problems, but in normal interpersonal communications, it can greatly improve communication.
There are many personality assessments available. They are used frequently during sales training to help people in sales improve their relationships with their customers. They are also used on college campuses to assist students with career choices. The most commonly used profiles include the DISC, the Jung Typology, and the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.
I had taken all of the above assessments at one time or another in my life, before Jill introduced me to the profile she uses. I found it to be much easier to understand and apply to everyday life. It is called the “Wired that Way Personality Profile” and is based on the teachings of Marita and Florence Littauer. The profile consists of a series of short, easy to answer questions, that can be completed within 20 minutes.
The Littauer’s profile breaks personality styles into four basic categories, each with unique gifts and abilities, as well as, areas of weaknesses. The four basic personality styles look something like this:
Popular Sanguine – The Popular Sanguine brings the gift of fun and excitement. They love being around people and often have a good sense of humor making them the life of the party. They have a strong need to be accepted and make friends easily.
When operating from the weak aspects of their personality, they dwell on trivia, talk compulsively, exaggerate and elaborate ad nauseum. They can be egotistical, irresponsible, undisciplined and appear phony.
Powerful Choleric – The Powerful Choleric brings the gift of direction to relationships. They are very good at keeping the rest of the world focused and on task and as a result you will find them in leadership roles. They are often unemotional and have little need for friends.
On the down side, they can be bossy, impatient, quick tempered and inflexible. As bosses they may be intolerant of mistakes and overly demanding. They may also manipulate people to get what they want.
Perfect Melancholy – The Perfect Melancholy gives the gift of creativity and idealism to others. They are sensitive, self-sacrificing and conscientious. Goal oriented, perfectionists, persistent, and thorough, they see problems and find solutions.
The weaknesses of their personality style result in low self-image. They can be moody, depressed and focus on the negatives. Overly introspective, self-centered and hypochondriacs, they can be withdrawn and withhold affection.
Peaceful Phlegmatic – The Peaceful Phlegmatic offers the world the gift of comfort. They are often quiet yet witty, easy going yet competent. Well-balanced, sympathetic and kind they are very good listeners and very steady. At work they are good under pressure and make good administrators.
In their weakness the Peaceful Phlegmatic personality style may be fearful, indecisive and unenthusiastic. They can be reticent, self-righteous and avoid responsibility and are sometimes judgmental, sarcastic and exhibit behavior that dampens enthusiasm.
You probably found yourself somewhere in that brief description and maybe your boss too!
My husband is a Popular Sanguine. Fun and exciting, he loves to talk and entertain. I, on the other hand, am a Perfect Melancholy/Peaceful Phlegmatic. They say opposites attract! As a listener I am the perfect foil for my outgoing husband. It works out very well most of the time. Once in a while, however, I do want to be listened to! I have learned that getting irritated with him, and becoming moody and withdrawn (the weaknesses of my personality style) is not very productive. Most of the time, he doesn’t even notice, and if he does, he doesn’t understand why. He’s just not “wired that way”! What the personality profile taught me was that people like him (I have many in my life) do want to listen. They just have to be reminded and don’t mind.
Chances are, if you use this tool, you too will find that the blinders are removed in your relationships. The “Wired that Way Personality Profile” can help you chisel out a more accurate perspective of your gifts and gain a more realistic understanding of interpersonal communications. Used as a road map for understanding others, it is extremely empowering.
If you would like to complete a “Wired that Way Personality Profile”, contact Jill Packard via email at TJPack@aol.com. She is professionally trained and certified both for the administration of the test and as a Life Coach.
Dorothy is a full time freelance writer with numerous publishing credits both online and off. She holds a B.A. in economics from Hope College and a M.Div. from Princeton Theological Seminary. Her writing includes fiction, non-fiction and poetry. She writes extensively on topics that include home improvements, small business, marketing, parenting, issues of aging, womens issues and personal growth and spirituality. Dorothy and her husband have devoted much of their life to loving the home they are in and helping others do the same. As entrepreneurs, they enjoy a thriving home improvement business that has provided much fodder for Dorothy's writings. She has two college age sons. She is a contributing writer for Helium. For more about Dorothy click here
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